Oh! I do like to be beside the seaside

So last year, I applied for a bachelor of education (early childhood and primary) at ACU. One of the things I was supposed to do was fill out a Personal Information form, but I never actually got around to it, I realised the date had passed when I was in London, and thought 'Oh well, there's always next year', and it was irritating because I had already paid the application fee and everything.

Anyway, I kind of forgot about it, and then I got a letter from VTAC, and I sort of had a hope, but then I opened the letter and it said "Offer status: no offer" and I hit myself again for being slack and then forgot about it again.

To cut a long story (well, not long, just rambly) short, I received another letter just yesterday from VTAC, and I realised, 'Oh, round two offers!' But I crushed my hopes, not wanting to be disappointed. Imagine my surprise when I opened the letter and saw "Offer status: Offer".

Eeee! I'm going to uni again, and I'm actually going to finish a course this time because I KNOW what lies in front of me if I don't, a lifetime of dissatisfaction in retail, and having done full time work for the last two years, I really do know, and I know how unhappy it makes me, so yes, I am going to do this shit.

Now I need to work out all the financial stuff and hope I don't have to move back home to my parents, because that would be so sad. Maybe I could share a place, and maybe I could sell my car, the uni is only a tram ride from my flat. Ah dear. It starts in less than two weeks now, I've taken tomorrow off work, and I've told all my managers what's going on, and they're being quite supportive (it doesn't hurt that they're trying to save wages, and cutting a full timer will help immensely). So yes. Big update!! I'm excited!

I learnt to play 'Piazza, new york catcher' on guitar, and also 'for baby (for bobby)'. Tomorrow I am going to the market to buy food, because I am going to go on a health kick, and the market is the best place to inspire you to keep at it. I am spending far too much money buying my lunch every day, so I am going back to basics and getting a lunch box.
The haircut is booked for next thursday morning before I go to work. Yay! I cannot wait to chop it off! I get so tired with long hair, all I do is tie it up in a ponytail or bun. I want something fun! Something new! Something I can wear out at work!

I also need to call the Gowrie training centre tomorrow morning about the diploma. Hopefully they are receptive and I didn't read something wrong (something like "We accept everyone at any level... except for YOU, Katherine").

So tomorrow will be busyish. After all that stuff, I need to go to work from 12.45 to 21.15. Bleargh, stupid store.

I went into another liquor store today (liquor store crossed with a deli) and it was amazing!! I want to work there! Beth's wine didn't have a barcode that worked, so we were hanging aroung the counter whilst they found a price, and saying how cool the store was, and Beth said she didn't know they had a cellar, and the guy offered to take us down and show us around! I've never been in a proper cellar before! So cool! I bought two pear ciders which I will try out this week, hopefully they are great!

And it was cool, despite the horrid temperature outside. I do not like summer. Summer should go and get stuffed. I am a winter girl who will never be happy in 30+ degrees unless there is a beach nearby.

Liza is in tomorrow for her one day this week. Haha, I'd take a one day week if I could!

I have so little direction in my life at the minute that it's not surprising I get down now and again. The idea of going to work overseas is one that I've been interested in for a long time, and the possibility of it happening in a year or two makes me feel more positive. One of the problems I've always had with that plan is that I don't have any qualifications beyond retail. Yes, I am smart enough that there are a lot of jobs I could do, but these sort of jobs prefer you to be qualified, so I've been looking at courses again.

I've always been interested in/by children, and the course I'm looking into is a diploma in early childhood education. From the website of the course supplier, it looks as though it's one day a week full time, which would be easy to work around, and the goverment have a program in place where if you don't hold a diploma or higher certificate, then they will pay all the costs bar a $500 fee. It seems too good to be true, really, so I'm going to call on thursday when I have my morning off, and see if it's all correct and find out if I can sit an interview. I've only done full time work for two years, and it's killing me to work somewhere I have no real desire to be.

Part of the attraction is also that there appears to be plenty of work for teachers and child-care workers in the UK. Australia too, for that matter.

I haven't heard back from the other job yet either, I'm glad I didn't get my hopes up. She did promise to ring whether I got the position or not, so it's not out of the question completely, just highly unlikely.

I am not very good at patience, I'll admit. No, not the game.

Not surprisingly, I haven't heard back from the job yet, I'm not surprised because it has been a long weekend, and folks are just getting back into the groove today, so maybe it will take them a few days to get around to it. In the meantime, I am looking for other jobs, none of which are exciting or thrilling. I always wanted to love my work, but I didn't get the grades to be allowed to do that. I don't feel enough passion anymore.

The boys-from-work-who-I-fancy-and-maybe-fancy-me group has grown smaller. Tim appears to have a girlfriend, oh well. The other one who I don't know the name of smiled at me today. He has a lovely smile. The other Tim (who I do not fancy), has told me I should join his scout group. No. I left scouts thirteen years ago, and I do not intend to go back.

Liza is being nice, it's such a relief to work with her when she's not being a complete bitch, but overall work is uninspiring. There is no challange there anymore. I'm not learning anything new or providing some essential service. I'm bored with it.

Oh yes, and I have a new phone, it is shiny. The old one wasn't letting me talk to messages and was not sending/receiving messages although I'm not sure whether that is the phone's fault or the network's. I guess I'll find out now, and if I keep not getting messages, then I'll just switch networks.
Oh yes, and I saw the last of season one of Big bang theory. I Like that show.

I should stop cackling, it's unladylike. But I can't help it, I'm enjoying writing a Harry Potter / Merlin (tv series) crossover waaay too much. God help me.

Thanks for the well-wishes, guys :) I had the interview today, and it seemed to go well. I'm wary about saying much, just because I don't want to be too disappointed if I don't get it. There were five or six other people interviewed for the same position, and I was the last one. I hope they were working their way up the list to the best!

Anyway, patience is the name of the next game. I guess I will find out in the next couple of weeks!

I'm a little scattered at the minute! This afternoon I got a phone call from one of the companies I applied to work at, and they want to interview me. Eek! It's as an inventory analyst/controller. Eek!

Tomorrow I will go out and buy new clothes, because I want to make a damn fantastic first impression. I already know I do well in interviews... now I just need a huge dose of good luck.

After 43 degrees celsius yesterday, it is going to be 23 tomorrow. Ah, Melbourne. I went for a walk tonight to enjoy the cool air, and it was simply beautiful. I got drizzled on and had a lovely time by myself, no-one else seemed to be out, which is strange, but then, I guess it was about 9pm, not classic walking time.

I am a little bit sick of one of the boys at work, he is very immature for his age, and thinks that sarcasm is the hightest form of wit. He confuses me, because I am sometimes unsure whether he is being sarcastic or not, when from any other person, the same response would be genuine.

Anyway, he's just a little boy still (a nineteen year old little boy) so I should cut him some slack. I don't like the attitude, is all.

Going to get some sleep now and oh! my heart just lurched! How strange :-/

I've got a star on my hand to remind me to be happy. It's working so far! When I feel very miserable, I'm just going to refer myself to TAC ads on youtube. They always make me cry and put my woes into perspective.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DOYEuEiNBKE

Oh gee, there I go again. Where's a tissue...

So now I am not sure about the au pair idea, just because it would mean putting a hold on everything for a whole year, and I'm not sure I can sacrifice that.

Work continues being boring and not at all motivating. I am running the department at the moment while Liza is away for two weeks, and everyone seems to have given up on drinking after the new year, but that'll only last until january 26th, Australia day.

Recently I've been doing a little bit of research on how food and nutrients affect your mental health and omega 3 seems to be a hard worker in that field. Late last year I was in quite bad form and was very close to going to a doctor and getting help that way. The only thing that made me want to avoid that was that I do not want to be reliant on drugs that artificially regulate your moods, especially since I've heard so many of them having awful side effects.

So I decided to eat for mental health, and although I'm having trouble with that, (not surprising since I've got a fucking eating disorder, just not one of the trendy ones that leave you skinny), I'm also taking flaxseed oil supplements. Now I'm not sure what is the cause, whether it is the omega 3 or whether I'm just on an upper of the cycle, but I have been feeling good about things lately. Yesterday I went out for a ride in the morning, which I'm going to try and make a habit, and I've been less 'out' of it and less likely to break into tears for no good reason.

I'm still less than sure about my job and what I want to do in the future, but it doesn't look all bleak anymore, which is good.

I have a few goals to achieve. One of them is to be outside of the house for at least an hour every day for a purpose other than work. Because I've noticed, lately, that I have spent days in a row going to work and coming home, and not doing anything else outside my apartment at all. Not good. Worse still are the days off when I just laze around on the internet and didn't leave the house at all.

Anyway, I am doing things to turn this around, and I do feel better already. Must just make sure not to slip backwards.

Happy new year, folks.

I've been thinking more about working overseas lately, and the other day I remembered reading something about au pairs, and it does sound like a good way to get to know a place. To cut a short story even shorter, I wrote up a profile page on an au pair site, and two families have contacted me already, one in British Columbia, and the other near London, to start mid 2010. I'm quite interested in the prospect even though it means storing furniture and selling my car.

Hm hm hm, any thoughts, flist?

I don't like living alone. It's lonely. Well, the words come from the same root, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

How does one ask for help? I'm not very good at it, I'm afraid.

I'm in a quandary. I'm putting this down in words for myself more than anyone else.

Last week was the last week of a three week management relief in my own department. I have not gotten on with my manage since shortly after we started working together and I left for months on end to do reliefs at other stores. I've spent the last three weeks alternately panicking and stressing about her reaction when she got back from holidays and found that I'd either a) ordered too much stock, or b) hadn't ordered enough stock, and just all round fucked it up. It's been the worst three weeks by far. In the middle of it, I had the stress of getting my car fixed and having to go to a meeting god know's where and not finding it and having the store manager making up lies that made me look incompetent, and having my Nanna very nearly die. NOT a good period of time.

Anyway, I've seriously begun job searching, because it's been so awful, and I'm almost at the stage where I don't even care where I go as long as it's not this company. The other option has been to transfer to a different region and work in the city centre (or somewhere close to me) places I can get to by tram very easily and not have to drive my car and spend money on parking.

Yesterday I had a chat to my direct manager and also to the store manager about what is wrong and what I want to do. This week also had the start of the new store manager who I know from when he worked here as a store services manager when the store first opened, and on monday I asked to speak to him, to bring up what I have been forced to call bullying behaviour. When I asked him this, I actually broke into tears, quite embarrassing (I cry at the drop of a hat, srsly), and he was worried about me.


Anyway, yes, everyone knows I'm a cry baby now, and SM had asked my manager how we got on, and she replied that sometimes she'd lost her temper with me and that we hadn't really had a chance to know each other. I told him that I felt as though she actively disliked me and I was told that apparantly I threaten her position, being competant. This is something that I've suspected in the past, since she only ever seems to like me when I appear to be useless.

Summary of topics with direct manager: I said to her that I was scared of her reaction, that I had been horribly stressed and that I want to step down. She told me that it seems as though I have lost all my confidence, which is fairly true, and that people talk well of me, that other store managers would take me if they could afford to have full time 2IC's and that I hadn't done the awful job that I suspected I have been doing. She suggested not stepping down and transferring as an assistant manager to another store (for my reasons, not to get rid of me), and not to quit, because it would look bad to hop around from job to job just because the going got tough.

Summary of topics with store manager: Same as above, he says that I have a good reputation amongst store and area managers, that he (and previous store manager) suspects that she is jealous/threatened by me, and also that I shouldn't step down, but find another job within the company that would give me the change that I want without actually leaving. He also said that I have to become harder/sterner, and that

They both gave me a number to call for free counselling and suggested it would be good if I used it.

Umm, during the week I applied for a job with Aami, an insurance company, just doing call centre stuff, and I mentioned it to someone at work who's partner works with them. She sent me a message today saying that he could get me an interview with them, which is more response than I've gotten from any other job I've applied for. I can do well in interviews, I know.

Now I'm not sure what to do, I want to leave, but I know I'm very good at running away when things get hard, so maybe I shouldn't follow my first instinct. Maybe a transfer would make things better again. I don't know, but I have to respond by tomorrow. It's so hard to talk to anyone about this, because it's all just so long and boring, but I really need to get it off my chest.

Now I go and cry myself to sleep, tomorrow I will talk with Mum, she's good at listening.

Waking up at 3.30 is Not Cool. I've just got worries about work circling in my head, like birds on a battlefield. I try to think of other things, and it just doesn't work. On top of that, I've got Pulp in my head, just a few lines, and they're going round and round as well, never resolving *hits self* Maybe if I hit myself hard enough I will black out.

Oh, I've got your numbers, taken notes
I know the ways your minds work, I've studied
And your minds are just the same as mine
Except that you are clever swines
You never let mask slip
You never admit to it
You're never hurried
Oh no no no
And every night I hone my plan
How I will get my satisfaction
How I will blow your paradise away, away, away
Cos I spy

Trying to find work is a depressing thing. I'm lucky that I already have a job, but on Monday, when the new store manager arrives, I think I will be stepping down from my position and asking for a transfer to another store. I'm so tired of being bullied by my manager, that I don't even want to be near her anymore.

Oh well. I'll keep applying for other work. I haven't received a rejection letter from the last place, yet, but then I only applied a day or two ago.

Ho hum, I do think life is very dreary sometimes.

I want to rant and rave and damage things, and I'm just so fed up that I want to cry. It doesn't happen when I'm with people, but as soon as I'm alone again, I remember. If I had less common-sense, I'd turn to religion. Shut myself away from the world, or dedicate myself to some higher purpose, but there are no religions now that I have that belief in. If I was rich, I'd just lose myself in some distant land, escape this monotony.

There is no way to write down a scream that will capture the ferocity that I feel inside. I don't know if I hate myself. At times I do, but most of the time, I feel hatred at the world that cannot see me. I am important, and I do not care what you think. If people knew what I thought of them, they'd be horrified. But that just makes me hate myself more, that I am too scared to do what I want. I'm trapped by myself.

While I write this, I'm ridiculing myself for showing my emotions. Maybe I'll delete this in the morning, I can hope not. It's important to write how you really feel sometimes, just so you cannot keep pretending to be a surface feeder. I try to pretend, and I can fool myself for weeks and months on end, but you always remember, and hate yourself more for forgetting.

As the subject line suggests, I've had a horrible week. The worst event by far happened today. I got woken up with the news that my Nanna was in hospital and wasn't expected to live. They gave her the last rites this morning, a thought which makes me upset every time I think it. She is looking better now, she is talking and making jokes, which is a good sign, but no-one knows if it is just the calm before the storm, or whether she really has pulled a Lazarus on us.

I can't wait until tomorrow's over. Next week can't be this bad. If it is, I think I'll just cry.

Last night I dreamt that somebody loved me. No shit, I did. Weird. I realised the truth when I was trying to say something, and I was trying so hard that I woke up. Later on, I was convinced that I was ten years older than I am, and I was wondering what I'd done with my life, and the answer was nothing! Not that I believe I can't achieve anything after 35, just that I felt awful that I'd wasted ten years.

Sad dreams, bad dreams. Made me realise I ought to get shit done. I've spent this morning looking at job ads, now that I'm not planning holidays, I can actually apply for things.

I haven't been around a lot, and not because I haven't been on the internet, but because I have not good at keeping account of travels.

It has been a wonderful few weeks so far. So many highlights. We're in Edinburgh now, and I'm enjoying it so much more with someone else, than I did on my own. Fantastic!! One of the recent highlights was seeing Moorehall, near Sandra's place in County Mayo, it's a magical place.

Father Ted is very popular in Ireland, something I'm really glad about, and it's funny to hear two thirteen year olds giggling about it on the way to school the next day. Galway is a lovely town... I'm really taken with Ireland, I was disappointed when we first arrived in Dublin, and it never really redeemed itself in my eyes (there are far too many awesome cities around to waste time on it) and we visited Oscar Wilde (statue) the day before his birthday, he looked quite smug, and I'm not sure I'd get on with him if I were to meet him in person. Oh well, lucky he's dead!

And back to the travelling thing, I suppose! We're off to do a ghostie tour tonight, oooo.

♥

Schiesen!! How strange!! Ms Mulvogue? I remember her!!! I was terrible at maths when she was my teacher XD But she was an alright teacher besides the grumpy. Don't feel rude, I like hearing about your life :) England is great, drizzling, as advertised. We visited Camden yesterday, which was awesome. The markets there are fantastic, and we went to the Hawley Arms to have a liquid lunch (Hawley Arms is where Noel used to hang out, he might still, but either way eee!)

We are going to the british museum today, and hyde park. Beth is looking out for the Rosetta stone, and I want to see Peter Pan statue in Kensington Gardens.

Yesterday we laughed at English place names, Feckenham was awesome. (I wanted Jam, not fecken HAM!) Also a town called Barry. Hahahahaha (we were v. v. jetlagged).

The hotel gives us toast for free! We've eaten lots of toast and jam for breakfast. Off now to get the tube and find the museum, an adventure! Tomorrow we shall hire a car and explore southern england for a few days. From Gravesend to Landsend.

Ilu!

Helloo, London. And other people who are not in London. We arrived safely, and soundly. And it is now soggy. Whee! I'll point you in the direction of Beth's lj, lisanaterel, because I am being lazy :D I'm quite excited about this place! We are going to go and try work out the train system and find our way to Camden sometime this morning. Oh! Too much to say, and not enough words!

Farewell internet!