I'm in a quandary. I'm putting this down in words for myself more than anyone else.
Last week was the last week of a three week management relief in my own department. I have not gotten on with my manage since shortly after we started working together and I left for months on end to do reliefs at other stores. I've spent the last three weeks alternately panicking and stressing about her reaction when she got back from holidays and found that I'd either a) ordered too much stock, or b) hadn't ordered enough stock, and just all round fucked it up. It's been the worst three weeks by far. In the middle of it, I had the stress of getting my car fixed and having to go to a meeting god know's where and not finding it and having the store manager making up lies that made me look incompetent, and having my Nanna very nearly die. NOT a good period of time.
Anyway, I've seriously begun job searching, because it's been so awful, and I'm almost at the stage where I don't even care where I go as long as it's not this company. The other option has been to transfer to a different region and work in the city centre (or somewhere close to me) places I can get to by tram very easily and not have to drive my car and spend money on parking.
Yesterday I had a chat to my direct manager and also to the store manager about what is wrong and what I want to do. This week also had the start of the new store manager who I know from when he worked here as a store services manager when the store first opened, and on monday I asked to speak to him, to bring up what I have been forced to call bullying behaviour. When I asked him this, I actually broke into tears, quite embarrassing (I cry at the drop of a hat, srsly), and he was worried about me.
Anyway, yes, everyone knows I'm a cry baby now, and SM had asked my manager how we got on, and she replied that sometimes she'd lost her temper with me and that we hadn't really had a chance to know each other. I told him that I felt as though she actively disliked me and I was told that apparantly I threaten her position, being competant. This is something that I've suspected in the past, since she only ever seems to like me when I appear to be useless.
Summary of topics with direct manager: I said to her that I was scared of her reaction, that I had been horribly stressed and that I want to step down. She told me that it seems as though I have lost all my confidence, which is fairly true, and that people talk well of me, that other store managers would take me if they could afford to have full time 2IC's and that I hadn't done the awful job that I suspected I have been doing. She suggested not stepping down and transferring as an assistant manager to another store (for my reasons, not to get rid of me), and not to quit, because it would look bad to hop around from job to job just because the going got tough.
Summary of topics with store manager: Same as above, he says that I have a good reputation amongst store and area managers, that he (and previous store manager) suspects that she is jealous/threatened by me, and also that I shouldn't step down, but find another job within the company that would give me the change that I want without actually leaving. He also said that I have to become harder/sterner, and that
They both gave me a number to call for free counselling and suggested it would be good if I used it.
Umm, during the week I applied for a job with Aami, an insurance company, just doing call centre stuff, and I mentioned it to someone at work who's partner works with them. She sent me a message today saying that he could get me an interview with them, which is more response than I've gotten from any other job I've applied for. I can do well in interviews, I know.
Now I'm not sure what to do, I want to leave, but I know I'm very good at running away when things get hard, so maybe I shouldn't follow my first instinct. Maybe a transfer would make things better again. I don't know, but I have to respond by tomorrow. It's so hard to talk to anyone about this, because it's all just so long and boring, but I really need to get it off my chest.
Now I go and cry myself to sleep, tomorrow I will talk with Mum, she's good at listening.