Oh! I do like to be beside the seaside

astartes_amazon @ 2009-12-07T20:06:00

2009-12-07T09:06:45Z

I don't like living alone. It's lonely. Well, the words come from the same root, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

How does one ask for help? I'm not very good at it, I'm afraid.

Work work work, blah blah blah.

2009-12-05T12:12:59Z

I'm in a quandary. I'm putting this down in words for myself more than anyone else.

Last week was the last week of a three week management relief in my own department. I have not gotten on with my manage since shortly after we started working together and I left for months on end to do reliefs at other stores. I've spent the last three weeks alternately panicking and stressing about her reaction when she got back from holidays and found that I'd either a) ordered too much stock, or b) hadn't ordered enough stock, and just all round fucked it up. It's been the worst three weeks by far. In the middle of it, I had the stress of getting my car fixed and having to go to a meeting god know's where and not finding it and having the store manager making up lies that made me look incompetent, and having my Nanna very nearly die. NOT a good period of time.

Anyway, I've seriously begun job searching, because it's been so awful, and I'm almost at the stage where I don't even care where I go as long as it's not this company. The other option has been to transfer to a different region and work in the city centre (or somewhere close to me) places I can get to by tram very easily and not have to drive my car and spend money on parking.

Yesterday I had a chat to my direct manager and also to the store manager about what is wrong and what I want to do. This week also had the start of the new store manager who I know from when he worked here as a store services manager when the store first opened, and on monday I asked to speak to him, to bring up what I have been forced to call bullying behaviour. When I asked him this, I actually broke into tears, quite embarrassing (I cry at the drop of a hat, srsly), and he was worried about me.

Anyway, yes, everyone knows I'm a cry baby now, and SM had asked my manager how we got on, and she replied that sometimes she'd lost her temper with me and that we hadn't really had a chance to know each other. I told him that I felt as though she actively disliked me and I was told that apparantly I threaten her position, being competant. This is something that I've suspected in the past, since she only ever seems to like me when I appear to be useless.

Summary of topics with direct manager: I said to her that I was scared of her reaction, that I had been horribly stressed and that I want to step down. She told me that it seems as though I have lost all my confidence, which is fairly true, and that people talk well of me, that other store managers would take me if they could afford to have full time 2IC's and that I hadn't done the awful job that I suspected I have been doing. She suggested not stepping down and transferring as an assistant manager to another store (for my reasons, not to get rid of me), and not to quit, because it would look bad to hop around from job to job just because the going got tough.

Summary of topics with store manager: Same as above, he says that I have a good reputation amongst store and area managers, that he (and previous store manager) suspects that she is jealous/threatened by me, and also that I shouldn't step down, but find another job within the company that would give me the change that I want without actually leaving. He also said that I have to become harder/sterner, and that

They both gave me a number to call for free counselling and suggested it would be good if I used it.

Umm, during the week I applied for a job with Aami, an insurance company, just doing call centre stuff, and I mentioned it to someone at work who's partner works with them. She sent me a message today saying that he could get me an interview with them, which is more response than I've gotten from any other job I've applied for. I can do well in interviews, I know.

Now I'm not sure what to do, I want to leave, but I know I'm very good at running away when things get hard, so maybe I shouldn't follow my first instinct. Maybe a transfer would make things better again. I don't know, but I have to respond by tomorrow. It's so hard to talk to anyone about this, because it's all just so long and boring, but I really need to get it off my chest.

Now I go and cry myself to sleep, tomorrow I will talk with Mum, she's good at listening.

Too late/early

2009-11-28T17:05:28Z

Waking up at 3.30 is Not Cool. I've just got worries about work circling in my head, like birds on a battlefield. I try to think of other things, and it just doesn't work. On top of that, I've got Pulp in my head, just a few lines, and they're going round and round as well, never resolving *hits self* Maybe if I hit myself hard enough I will black out.

Oh, I've got your numbers, taken notes
I know the ways your minds work, I've studied
And your minds are just the same as mine
Except that you are clever swines
You never let mask slip
You never admit to it
You're never hurried
Oh no no no
And every night I hone my plan
How I will get my satisfaction
How I will blow your paradise away, away, away
Cos I spy

Job seeking

2009-11-27T21:47:12Z

Trying to find work is a depressing thing. I'm lucky that I already have a job, but on Monday, when the new store manager arrives, I think I will be stepping down from my position and asking for a transfer to another store. I'm so tired of being bullied by my manager, that I don't even want to be near her anymore.

Oh well. I'll keep applying for other work. I haven't received a rejection letter from the last place, yet, but then I only applied a day or two ago.

Ho hum, I do think life is very dreary sometimes.

So.

2009-11-22T11:07:39Z

I want to rant and rave and damage things, and I'm just so fed up that I want to cry. It doesn't happen when I'm with people, but as soon as I'm alone again, I remember. If I had less common-sense, I'd turn to religion. Shut myself away from the world, or dedicate myself to some higher purpose, but there are no religions now that I have that belief in. If I was rich, I'd just lose myself in some distant land, escape this monotony.

There is no way to write down a scream that will capture the ferocity that I feel inside. I don't know if I hate myself. At times I do, but most of the time, I feel hatred at the world that cannot see me. I am important, and I do not care what you think. If people knew what I thought of them, they'd be horrified. But that just makes me hate myself more, that I am too scared to do what I want. I'm trapped by myself.

While I write this, I'm ridiculing myself for showing my emotions. Maybe I'll delete this in the morning, I can hope not. It's important to write how you really feel sometimes, just so you cannot keep pretending to be a surface feeder. I try to pretend, and I can fool myself for weeks and months on end, but you always remember, and hate yourself more for forgetting.

Worst week

2009-11-21T09:25:17Z

As the subject line suggests, I've had a horrible week. The worst event by far happened today. I got woken up with the news that my Nanna was in hospital and wasn't expected to live. They gave her the last rites this morning, a thought which makes me upset every time I think it. She is looking better now, she is talking and making jokes, which is a good sign, but no-one knows if it is just the calm before the storm, or whether she really has pulled a Lazarus on us.

I can't wait until tomorrow's over. Next week can't be this bad. If it is, I think I'll just cry.

No hope, no harm, just another false alarm...

2009-11-06T19:58:49Z

Last night I dreamt that somebody loved me. No shit, I did. Weird. I realised the truth when I was trying to say something, and I was trying so hard that I woke up. Later on, I was convinced that I was ten years older than I am, and I was wondering what I'd done with my life, and the answer was nothing! Not that I believe I can't achieve anything after 35, just that I felt awful that I'd wasted ten years.

Sad dreams, bad dreams. Made me realise I ought to get shit done. I've spent this morning looking at job ads, now that I'm not planning holidays, I can actually apply for things.

Hellooo Flist

2009-10-21T16:13:30Z

I haven't been around a lot, and not because I haven't been on the internet, but because I have not good at keeping account of travels.

It has been a wonderful few weeks so far. So many highlights. We're in Edinburgh now, and I'm enjoying it so much more with someone else, than I did on my own. Fantastic!! One of the recent highlights was seeing Moorehall, near Sandra's place in County Mayo, it's a magical place.

Father Ted is very popular in Ireland, something I'm really glad about, and it's funny to hear two thirteen year olds giggling about it on the way to school the next day. Galway is a lovely town... I'm really taken with Ireland, I was disappointed when we first arrived in Dublin, and it never really redeemed itself in my eyes (there are far too many awesome cities around to waste time on it) and we visited Oscar Wilde (statue) the day before his birthday, he looked quite smug, and I'm not sure I'd get on with him if I were to meet him in person. Oh well, lucky he's dead!

And back to the travelling thing, I suppose! We're off to do a ghostie tour tonight, oooo.

♥

Email to Ellie

2009-10-06T08:26:46Z

Schiesen!! How strange!! Ms Mulvogue? I remember her!!! I was terrible at maths when she was my teacher XD But she was an alright teacher besides the grumpy. Don't feel rude, I like hearing about your life :) England is great, drizzling, as advertised. We visited Camden yesterday, which was awesome. The markets there are fantastic, and we went to the Hawley Arms to have a liquid lunch (Hawley Arms is where Noel used to hang out, he might still, but either way eee!)

We are going to the british museum today, and hyde park. Beth is looking out for the Rosetta stone, and I want to see Peter Pan statue in Kensington Gardens.

Yesterday we laughed at English place names, Feckenham was awesome. (I wanted Jam, not fecken HAM!) Also a town called Barry. Hahahahaha (we were v. v. jetlagged).

The hotel gives us toast for free! We've eaten lots of toast and jam for breakfast. Off now to get the tube and find the museum, an adventure! Tomorrow we shall hire a car and explore southern england for a few days. From Gravesend to Landsend.

Ilu!

It's a grand old flag...

2009-10-05T08:54:47Z

Helloo, London. And other people who are not in London. We arrived safely, and soundly. And it is now soggy. Whee! I'll point you in the direction of Beth's lj, lisanaterel, because I am being lazy :D I'm quite excited about this place! We are going to go and try work out the train system and find our way to Camden sometime this morning. Oh! Too much to say, and not enough words!

Farewell internet!

03/10/09

2009-10-03T10:07:20Z

I'm hanging around, packing, and wasting time. I'm getting a lift to the airport in about an hour and a half. EEEP!

How exciting.

28.09.09

2009-09-27T22:13:39Z

I went emo again last night :( Gah, I annoy even myself. Thankyou to friends for putting up with me *hugs*

It's less than a week until me and Beth are in London :D That's something to not be emo about! I can't wait to be travelling again, it's just a whole different sort of life...

I found a dress that I used to fit into... gah, I'm a fatty. How does one lose weight? Healthy eating and exercise, I know all the rules, I just have trouble putting them into practice. Living on my own is possibly not the healthiest thing for me. Oh well, I've just got to try, Tri, Tri-anti-wonti, Triantiwontigongolope.

Inspection

2009-09-03T00:09:18Z

Flat inspection was less painful than anticipated, and it also made me do the dusting. Hooray for dust free lintels! Oh. I should write more, because that is about the length of a facebook update. I may also get rid of the desk which has been sitting outside since I arrived :D

Erm, um, nope I got nothing. Now for breakfast and job searching. Should I approach people now for work now, seeing as I won't be able to start until november? I'm not sure how interested people will be :-/

02.09.09

2009-09-02T09:21:28Z

Oh! 'The Graveyard Book' is beautiful!! I started this morning, and every few minutes I've had, I've spent reading, and I've just finished it now.... there are no words, it's just beautiful.

01-09-09

2009-09-01T13:02:14Z

Happy Spring!

I'm not feeling so good. I'm blaming stress on it all. Migraine-worthy headaches that just keep returning when I stop taking pain killers, and a body that seems to ache all over, on top of that, I'm tired all the time, and I'm starting to cry at the drop of a hat.

FUCK THIS SHIT.

I am starting to look at other job opportunities. I do not like the idea of travelling with no safe job at the end of it, but I think I'm pretty employable, and it will be in the lead up to Christmas, so there will be casual positions available if nothing else.

Oh lordy lou, I'm trying to be positive.

30.08.09

2009-08-30T12:07:33Z

Quite a lazy day today, I visited Mum and Dad, but I didn't stay long. I'm always wrecked after staying out very late, at least I still have tomorrow to recover. The trouble is, I've spent the last three or four hours asleep, so I'm going to be awake at one in the morning *sighs*

Tomorrow the plan is to clean the flat, do my homework and take photos of things. I recharged my camera battery yesterday for the first time in months.

If you''re on facebook, you should join my band's group, Mackintosh*. We're also on myspace*.

Shameless self-promotion? Well, we've got no-one else to promote us, so we have to do our best :D

*http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/group.php?gid=125575744369
*http://www.myspace.com/themackintoshband

29.08.09 (actually 30th, but only because I'm not asleep yet) and photos, because I can

2009-08-29T17:26:57Z

This morning I dyed my hair again, it's been fading recently, and I'm getting grey hair, a fact which saddens me. It does leave me with red red hair, though, and I do love the colour. In band rehearsal, I had a mini breakdown, but it's mostly caused by outside stress as opposed to stress within the band.

We then went to Sarah's brother Dean's 21st birthday. It was a nice party, and we laughed a lot, I got some good advice, as well. I also took off with Flick's hair ribbon, I didn't mean to! She'd taken it out, so I decided I'd wear it, and then she left without it :(

And photo-taking.

Me at the end of the night

And my red red hair, with stolen bow

And a random photo from months ago, I look like mother when she was a child.

28.08.09

2009-08-28T12:37:28Z

Have a pounding headache. I'm tired of people using me to talk about their own issues. I have things I need to say as well, but it seems few people actually want to listen. Even visiting my family, I wanted to discuss things and ask for advice, but they have their own things they want to talk about, or have tv to watch. Thing is, if someone said to me 'tell me about it', I wouldn't be able to find the words.

Work is stressing me out so much right now. Liza drove me to tears today, with her horrible attitude, and I don't know how much longer I can take it. After she left, I went into the coolroom to have a yell and to punch things. Still no word on my annual leave. I don't like asking, because I don't want to be pushy, and every time I've brought it up with Liza in the past, I've gotten a 'huh, it's all your fault' sort of attitude which is Not Helpful.

I know I can feel better than this. I wish I did.

26.08.09

2009-08-26T12:16:45Z

Spent the day at work again today. Strange how that happens more often than not. Allan was in the store having one-on-one's with the store managers of the area, and he congratulated me on the department's sale figures, which was nice, although I've had precious little to do with it.

One of the store managers was Vaughn, who I worked with at another store. We had a chat, and he pushed me to apply for other positions as a manager. I like Vaughn, he has charisma, and charm, and he knows how to use it, I actually get a little nervous when I speak to him, butterflys in the stomach and all that. I don't fancy him, he looks like the evil dad in Spiderman, Willem Dafoe, who... oh my god, has a role in Fantastic Mr Fox. That's a movie now??? My day is complete. Anyway, yes. I don't fancy him, but I almost feel I do when I'm around him because he has Charisma.

Still no word on my annual leave. I'm getting worried.

25.08.09

2009-08-25T12:00:23Z

Can't break the habit when it's less than a week old...

The weather this morning was really pleasant, but they forecasted storms and high winds, and lo, they did appear. I was meant to go have dinner at Mama and Papa's, but I didn't feel safe enough driving that distance, especially through the more rural areas. I turned off the freeway too early, and made my way home through Collingwood, which was much longer, I wish I'd gone the usual way. Nevermind. I ended up getting take aways, because I have no food in the house (and had expected not to cook), as it is, I have cereal, and an egg. There's some frozen meat, but it's been there since april or something, so it's probably not in the best form. I ran out of bread this morning, which is sad, but tomorrow is payday, although I already have ten places for each dollar.

Will go to sleep listening to the wind.

24-08-09

2009-08-24T12:03:50Z

I'm having doubts about the going back to uni thing. I talked to two people at work today, one who is doing the course I'm thinking about, and another who lived in London for two years, and I need to decide which one I want to do.

I had dinner with my Mother and my Auntie which was nice. They were going to see a film at the cinema near me, so I tagged along for a free meal. We spoke of my Uncle, who is not very well at all. He keeps spending money, buying drill kits, when he already has a few at home. Apparantly he has seven remote controlled helicopters/planes under the spare bed, he doesn't actually use them, but says he will when his grandson is old enough to play with them, he has a collection of scotch whiskey when he doesn't even drink. It seems to me he is spending money on things that he thinks will create happy times, but he never manages to have those times. It's a sad existance, he doesn't work, but sits and watches telly while Auntie is at work. The medication he is on does not help matters.

23.08.09 the other end of the day

2009-08-23T12:42:00Z

No work today! Except band-work, which is nowhere near as exhausting, and is instead quite stimulating. I'm really pleased that one of our more recent songs seems to be fully formed, and is so much fun to play! There was food and obligatory dvd watching which breaks the day up a bit, but perhaps makes the day a little too casual. I'd like to see what we could do if we actually went to 'work' for the day, with designated break-times, but ah well, I can't complain too loudly, I enjoy band-day, dvd's and all.

I need to learn how to be more patient. I'm aware of this defect, but I don't have the patience to work out how to actually be patient. The best way I've found is to keep reminding myself of it, but it's certainly not foolproof.

I felt pretty today, which is a nice change, and last night, too. I hope I feel like that more often. I tried to Robert Smith-up my hair, but it's a bit too long for that now, and I have an indie fringe (which I don't like because everyone seems to have one, but which I love because it suits my face) which is not particularly RS.

I'm feeling quite positive tonight, if a little melancholy, but about different things. I'm going to be quite vague, because I don't want people actually working out why I feel this way, sorry. I'm treating this (at the moment) like a proper diary, but I have to keep in mind that it's a public forum as well, which means I can't write down every thing that crosses my mind, because some of it will offend some, embarass others, and perhaps cause people to never talk to me again. I'm quite a private person when it comes down to it.

On a different topic, I've been thinking lately that I'd quite like a boyfriend again. Perhaps this comes across as being 'desperate', but it's not the case, I'm very very choosy (possibly not a good trait, as the people I do fancy are quite far out of my reach, and know it!)

But, well, I'm getting sad again, and like I said, I'm feeling positive! I just have to forget about that sort of stuff, and I'll be happy.

Facebook is causing it's own little dramas in my life. My fifteen year old sister put a message up on her page, and some boy has told her she 'has a nice rack', little pervert! I'll let her know that this Is Not On when I next see her. I also received an invite to a going away/birthday party for someone I worked with last year, it'll be good to see Dan again, even if it's to say goodbye. He left last year to do military service in Singapore, and is now going back to work there after a short visit back to Melbourne. It's at Der Raum, which looks like an awesome cocktail bar. http://www.derraum.com.au/ See, and wallow in envy!

Well, that's cheered me up!

23.08.09

2009-08-22T14:15:18Z

I'm not feeling very well, which I think has a lot to do with the cheese I had with lunch/dinner, so it's as well the night ended when it did. After a full days work, I headed out with Peter and Patrick and Beth, and we saw a few bands play at the Toff in town, with Crayon Fields headlining (it was a gig for the release of a single of theirs).

Catching the tram is so much nicer than driving, I must do it more often. It's strange, though, when the people you're journeying with end up going to exactly the same destination, and stranger still when they get on the same tram home. You're sharing something... been the same places, seen the same things, decided to go home at the same time... and yet you haven't said a word, and you never will, because the chances are that you'll never see them again.

21/08/09

2009-08-21T10:23:52Z

You know when you get in the car and you get every green light, and you don't end up sitting at the level crossing for ages, and there's just no traffic, that something bad is going to happen. I nearly ran into the back of a four wheel drive. This is really my own fault, my car is in serious need of new brakepads, and it's actually really worrying. I finish every journey with a sigh of relief that nothing bad happened, and that I'm in one piece and don't owe strangers lots of money. This does have a good side, I am being a hyper-aware driver, who leaves lots of space so that if I do need to brake, I have plenty of room to do so.

I still nearly ran into the other car, but I pulled to the side and hit the fence instead, only lightly! And the best thing is, if there is any damage, it's hidden by that being the corner of my car that was already damaged! I should really not be so pleased about that. (They were playing the Pixies on the radio, hee)

There's still no word on whether I have leave for the trip or not. I'm going to assume everything is fine, because it's not worth worrying over, but I would like to know that it's alright so I can get a loan and pay for holidays and car-fixing that way. It was a surprisingly good day at Woolworths today, we have a red wine sale, and we're beating all the stores in our area, this despite being the smallest-grossing liquor department in the area! But that's boring, so I won't talk about that.

There was a very strange man in the store today, he looked like some sort of disco throwback, wearing giant 70's heels and the widest flares I have seen in a long time. His grey hair was slicked back, he didn't buy anything.

Wilbur Wilde was shopping with his parents again today XD

I got a visit from the HR teacher today, she wants me to finish this cert 2, and it sounds as if they want me to do cert 3. I'm in a bit of a pickle, and I'm trying to make a decision between that or going back to uni and doing the education thing that I quite fancy doing. I guess I shall have to weigh the pros and cons.

Nothing on tv, nothing on the net, I could sleep, but it's too early. I've been wanting to sleep a lot lately, and I'm constantly feeling fatigued at work. I'm not sure whether it's something like I need more iron, or whether it's the stress that's getting me down. When I'm down, I sleep a lot, it's not good, but it always seems a better option than being awake. I suppose I'm aware of it, so I know what to look out for, which is good. The trouble is, I'm really tired XD

Reading other people's diaries makes me so much more likely to keep my own.

Hah, water bills, I scoff at water bills.

2009-08-20T10:44:01Z

The powers that be have yet to tell me what's happening for October. Ah well, hooray! Holiday! I worked a different shift to normal, today. It's quite a nice change, being in my proper department during the day. I'm a bit sad, because I have to work Saturday this week, but I'm at the 'wednesday' mark now, so I suppose I can handle it. Someone drilled up through the floor of the tearoom while I was having lunch.

I finally finished writing a reference for one of the boys I work with, he's hoping to get a vacation position with the government. Because of that, I ended up being a little late for work (eight past the hour), and Liza was throwing a tantrum, trying to call me to find out where I was, but I'd left the phone at home, or I would have called! Working with her really puts me in bad sorts. One of the boys in the department left a 'bullying is not tolerated here' pamphlet on the desk for her, hoping she'd get the hint. Not yet.

I can't find my Cure greatest hits album, which makes me woefully sad. I've got the dvd, but I haven't got a dvd player in my car, and if I did, I probably ought not be driving, but there you go, I hope it turns up soon.

I need new walking albums. Or perhaps I just need to recharge my mp3 player. I always find myself listening to 'disintegration' while going wandering around at night, and I'd like to find something else that fills the same role. Huh, maybe not, I do love Disintegration.

Two books to read, huzzah! One being another Dumas novel, hopefully it will be as good as Musketeers, the other one borrowed off Peter, the diaries of Michael Palin, which I started reading on my breaks at work today.

All in all, a satisfactory day, by no means thrilling, but not dreadful either.